There are no promises, no rules
No anything
Just the two of us and my cloud of confusion
Don’t worry about it
  it obviously bothers me more than it does you
You wouldn’t even see it, can hardly even sense it
Even though it wraps around my head like a dome
  harmless to all except the possessor
  no ill effects found for the cause, the creator
Except maybe eventual detachment
That wouldn’t bother you much, would it?
You say it would but I can see otherwise

You’ve always told sweet irresistible lies
  feeding chocolate to a diabetic
Sad how I only notice once I’ve consumed it
Fueling the disease, little by little
But I don’t care because it’s just too good
Poisoning my insides but it doesn’t matter much to you
  you get your benefits, I get my temporary happiness
Win-win in the eyes of Mr. Smoke-and-Mirrors

I know the trick:
  Smoke for obscurity and mirrors for deception
It’s all so obvious that I should just turn away
It’s all been done before
But it gets so hard when you make it all seem interesting

I get so fixated

Feathers
  from your angel wings
  that you sacrificed for them.
And the peace
  you wished so hard for them
  for their peace and sanity.
Peace you never knew.

Tonight we’ll reach down under your skin
   and tear down every wall you’ve built.
This life’s hardened your core without guilt.
And you never knew trust.
We’ll make you soft but keep you tough.

They tried to make you a monster,
Put you through what you weren’t meant for
    and what you didn’t deserve.
But it made you a dreamer and a fighter.

You keep to yourself
    afraid of the pain
Pain that you won’t feel but you don’t need.

And you seem so strong
     but your fragile heart’s never known what it’s like to be whole
But that’s okay, you’ll make it through
     believe me when I say it
Because I know the greater things that may soon come
     will be for you.

At first it was all dark, nothing to see on any side. But I could hear this sound, like a rhythmic thumping. It sounded like a steady heartbeat. At first it was all around me and was almost deafening, but then it slowly grew quieter. Like the source of the sound was getting muffled. Then, silence. Then this really bright light flashed before my eyes. It was almost blinding and my eyes had trouble adjusting to them at first. I shielded my eyes with a hand and slowly walked towards the source of the light. It was an open door. I peeked outside and saw that it led to this big, beautiful garden. One of those gardens I’ve always dreamed about - with the rose bushes and the nice little patio on one corner.

There was a little playpen (or maybe it was a crib, I don’t recall) at one side. My curiosity often got the best of me and so I found myself walking towards it. And I looked inside. And within those four secured little walls was a baby girl, all swathed in pink, cooing and beating the air with her tiny fists. She had on this cute bonnet, and pretty booties and mittens too. I’m not such a fan of babies, but she was different somehow. And she was adorable. So adorable that I picked her up and cradled her for a while in my arms. She was as light as a feather. She started wriggling in my arms though - a feisty little one - so I had to set her down. And as I did, the strangest thing happened: slowly, before my very eyes, she started growing. I watched her grow. First she was just sitting there on her little tooshie, then she got up, and she just grew. The transformation was almost beautiful. She stopped though, when she was around 3 or 4, I suppose. Then she looked up at me. And it was strange because somehow she looked familiar. Her features - the green eyes, the mousy brown hair and the angles of her face - felt like I knew them from somewhere but I couldn’t remember where at that moment. I found myself smiling at her.

She smiled back and waved, and I could swear it was the cutest thing.
I bent down to talk to her.
     “Hey there,” I said. “I’m Charlotte”
      And she just kept smiling.
     “What’s your name, little sunshine?” I asked her.
     She just looked at me. And for a while I thought she wasn’t going to answer. But then she opened her mouth and she had this cute little-girl voice that said “I don’t have one.”
      “That’s impossible!” I told her. “Surely, you must be called something?”
      But she just shook her head. Maybe she was one of those shy types, y’know?
So I got back up and I held her hand. “I’ll call you Stella then, is that alright? ‘Cause you’re as pretty as the stars”. She grinned at me and nodded.

It was amazing. And we just stayed there for a while, playing. Then we lay on the grass and told each other jokes. And when the sun was finally about to set, Stella sat up and looked at me. “I have to go” she said, “it’s almost dark”.
      I looked at her for a while, then asked “Where are you going?”
      She just shrugged and said “I don’t know. But my mom says I can’t stay in the dark and I shouldn’t be here in the first place.” There was something like sadness in her voice then, and her eyes were all squint-y like she was holding back tears. Maybe she was actually having fun here and didn’t want to go yet. She turned to leave and looked back at me “and besides, it’s about to get cold”.
     I sat up and reluctantly, nodded. As she was walking away, I felt this strange tug somewhere in the middle of me. It was telling me to get up, and go to Stella and tell her not to worry. To tell her that I would take good care of her and I was sure her mother wouldn’t mind. But when I got up, she had already reached the door and was turning the knob. She turned to me one last time and said “I’m really sorry -“
    And I couldn’t quite hear the rest of her words because the thumping was back again and it was surrounding me. And I couldn’t read her lips well either because the darkness was coming back and clouding my vision. And the last thing I saw was the door, shutting behind her, leaving me there in the dark with the deafening thumping sound.

I woke with a start to find that it had all been just a dream. I sat up in my bed and looked around and found that I was in my own bedroom in my apartment. In my bed, with cushions under my head and a glass of water on my bedside table and a nice blanket pulled up to my chin. And this strange pain. And almost unconsciously, my hand slid down to just over my belly.
Then I saw it all. And I knew it all.
I knew why I was lying in bed then. I knew why there was pain. And more..
I knew who Stella was and why she had looked kind of familiar, I knew the resemblance.
And more importantly, I suddenly knew what she said before she went. It rang in my ears now and I couldn’t help it - I burst out in silent tears and sobs and almost drained myself dry. And I felt so stupid.

”I’m sorry,” she said, “Mama. I’m sorry you didn’t want me to stay. I’ll go now. It was nice to see you.”

                                              —————
Partly dedicated to my mom.. because she never even thought about it.

Another one on the way.. keep posted!